- Calm down before disciplining
“I’m too angry with you now.”
“We’ll talk about this later, after I’ve had a chance to calm down.”
“I’m going for a walk before I talk with you about what you did. I’m too angry now.”
- Be willing to interrupt a negative conversation
“Stop for a moment, please. Let’s both calm down for a moment before we continue the conversation.”
“Let’s both agree right now to stop this tone of voice we’re both using and speak more calmly and courteously to each other.”
- Arrange a special setting – time and place – to discuss misbehavior.
“We need to talk where the phone won’t interrupt us; let’s go outside in the yard.”:
“There are some things we need to talk about; let’s go to the pizzeria where we can have a nice lunch at the same time.”
- Use touch to convey love
“I know this is a hard time for you; sit next to me so I can rub your back.”
- Use a notebook for the child’s concerns, then give the child a private time to discuss what has been written down
“If you don’t like how I handled this situation, write it down in your notebook and we’ll discuss it later.”
“Thank you for writing that down in your notebook; I’d forgotten. Now tell me about the problem, and after I understand, maybe we’ll be able to think of some ways to improve that situation.”
- Give the child and opportunity to explain and listen; try to acknowledge the child’s feelings and needs.
“Could it be that one reason for these antics in front of us is that you feel overlooked and not paid attention to?”
“I understand how hurt you must feel right now and how angry you are at Jim.”
- Affirm you child’s lovability and your desire to show love for your child
“You’re our special girl/boy, and we don’t want to see you be so upset when things don’t go exactly the way you wanted or thought they would.”
- Teach how misbehavior harms the child or others (not just because I said so)
“The reason I won’t allow you to do that to Susie is that she has a right to her privacy, just as you do to your privacy.”
- Encourage the child to come up with or suggest a better alternative for next time
“From now on when you want to play with Bill’s _, ask to borrow it rather than sneaking into his room and taking it without permission.”
- Seek win-win solutions, taking everyone’s needs into consideration
“What do you think would make him more content next time so he wouldn’t do that to you and you wouldn’t get so mad at him?”
- Emphasize future improvements
“What can we do differently next week so that we don’t go through this same problem about your chores?”